Depth Charge

I've long suffered from, and become infamous for, two eating related issues. The main problem (ie the one that causes me pain not others) is that some days I can continuously eat and not get full. At pretty much every job I've had my lunches are exactly double the food in the next biggest eaters lunch. The secondary problem has been gas so horrible that lives have likely been lost in my wake. My poor coworkers would hear my maniacal chuckle before they felt/tasted the warm of a green cloud encompassing them.

Before I bring you up to modern day I'll rehash the highly scientific approach that's been undertaken by me to battle these personal demons.

THE HUNGER

For ages I used to feel that The Hunger would hit me when I'd been eating too healthy and i just needed to get some fat into my diet. Though I came to realize that stuffing my self with wings and pizza would only leave me feeling fat, crabby and hungry 35 minutes later.


THE FUMES

I've actually spent more time analzying this problem. I've treated my diet like a science experiment for the last year trying to come up with a combination that would defeat the evil cloud of death. I tried to remove spaghetti, cheese, wine, beer and a host of other things from my diet (obviously not all at once) to no avail.

THE ANSWER

A couple of weeks ago my wife had me order a book called Green for Life from amazon. The writer of the book's name is Victoria and she is a fairly nutty raw foodist (i.e. even more hardcore than a vegan). The idea behind the book is that after analyzing Chimps (because of their close relation to humans ) our standard diet no longer resembles what it was when humans evolved to be human... which sucks. To make a long story short you can toss a bunch of green leafy stuff (lettuce, kale, carrot tops, etc. ) in a blender with water and a bunch of fruit and not only will it taste good, you'll be unthinkably healthy.

My wife had started making the smoothies for breakfast a week or two before I read the book but with only about 50% of the greeny content that was recommended. I noticed that my obsessive hunger and gas had passed but I didn't know how to account for it. Then a few days went by without me having the smoothies and I was back to my old tricks. Then I read the book... obviously I decided to so semi-whole hog on the smoothies. I've been housing over a quart of the stuff for breakfast for almost two weeks now. My appetite has been glorious. I eat normal size lunches and dinners and I haven't been getting starving at all.

The gastrics have been a bit of a roller coaster. On the Monday that I first drank a whole blender full I basically felt like I'd pulled the pin out of the grenade and swallowed it whole. 9 firey hot trips to the can before lunch and my system was properly detoxified. The book prattles on and on about this and that relating to the pH of your stomach acid being to blame for this. Since then I've been virtually gas and hunger free. It is glorious.

...Did someone just say there were bagels downstairs?